The increasingly loud debate on the state of the marriage institution in Kenya and some of the attendant rhetoric has disabled any critical thought on the subject with everyone putting in their two cents worth. I will not deviate from this and will also add my bla blah to the furore. For some time now, we have heard from every corner and rooftop that the idea of marriage is headed the way of the dodo. However, a certain “progressive” Nigerian pastor quickly saw a gap or even better, a vacuum, and quickly disabused Kenyans of any such notion as ladies flocked to his sermon at the KICC in droves. Political parties – eat your hearts out – such an attentive crowd would do any gathering proud.
Well, he sold “matrimonial theology” and his audience might have been forgiven for thinking that the Lord himself had been sighted. Don’t get me wrong, God might be female. Anyway, the rhetoric has been viewed by apologists for marriage as largely elitist – an agenda pushed by opinion makers who are just as confused about the issue as some of the populace. No dispute that the world has changed and outmoded ideas and institutions are being discarded or forcefully changed by circumstance. Marriage is the institution currently bearing the brunt of the juggernaut called societal or generational change. This is as inevitable as paying taxes and dying. What is not apparent is whether we as Kenyans have undergone any attitudinal change regarding of what we expect from marriage because the status quo is clearly untenable.
It has become the “The War of the Roses” – Watch that film if you can – It aptly captures the state of holy matrimony in Kenya with charge and counter charge. The charge that men have laid squarely on women’s door is that they have priced themselves out of the “market” with unrealistic expectations and a “bar” raised so high it is invisible to and unreachable by most men – the most galling aspect is the length to which many will go to acquire and not earn status. It’s the economy stupid. The commercialization of matrimony has left many an eligible bachelor - I use the term eligible reservedly as the “bar” is probably 120K plus net – high and dry. If your income falls substantially short of this, then gentlemen, don’t bother. Few Kenyans make that kind of money honestly and at the rate we are going, unless the ladies do not make some mild adjustments to the “bar”, they will continually be left twiddling their ring fingers.
Women have their beef too; in fact, theirs fall into the categories of real and imagined. The ladies main criticism seems to be that men aren’t simply “man enough” anymore. Perceptions include that men are lazy, poor, cheats, wife beaters, liars, players, unhygienic, unfashionable, ungodly, untrustworthy, unambitious, drunkards or just plain uncool. You will hardly find a woman whose boyfriend/husband wouldn’t slot neatly into one or more of the aforementioned categories and thus the “I cannot date Kenyan men” mantra as if Kenyan men have a monopoly on bad behaviour. The rich, handsome, and all the other superlatives that form the “bar” simply do not exist in one person. Sometimes the “perfect men” also comes with their surprises. He’s tall, dark, handsome, and rich but a serial poon hound, or a murderer, or a closet paedophile, heck or even a politician. Ok, this is a bit melodramatic but the point is that perfection only exists in philosophy classes or other areas of academic theory.
Ladies, simply find a man whose outlook is generally similar to yours and give him a break. Let him be a man and you will be surprised. If you want to wear the trousers too, then huna bahati. And neither will trying to turn a man into a poncy metrosexual yield any memorable or even desirable dividends. As for the imagined crimes, the less said the better because you will hardly find a man who hasn’t been accused of some fictitious infraction. Our sisters have simply become serial complainers.
Well brothers, we are no better. We often are collectively what the ladies accuse us of and then some. OK, you over there showing righteous indignation, a few bad apples spoiling for all the good brothers? We aren’t exactly pillars of moral integrity yet we expect our ambitious sisters to put up with us. We know our crimes. Nuff said.
The truth of the matter is that there is a rift of perceptions between the genders and a bit of confusion about what would be the alternative to marriage? Is there a paradigm of singleness the way capitalism was counterbalanced by communism? The KICC spectacle was to me an affirmation that a sizable proportion of Kenyans sit in the middle of the bell curve. Marriage is alive and kicking fellow Kenyans. It may not be for many an ideal, but it is the only “ideology” they know.
We are constantly being bombarded by all that ails the institution and rarely of its beauty. The ladies who thronged KICC sought divine intervention where society and its opinion leaders are bereft of ideas as they watch society degenerate. It really is up to couples to decide whether they get married or not, but what is incongruous is the current aversion some people seem to have to the notion of committing yourself to one other person as your partner for life, and announcing and celebrating that commitment in the form of a wedding. I think children benefit from knowing their parents have entered into this commitment. There has been a lot of glorification of everything that is wrong – especially with approaches to marriage in Kenya - and perhaps having sensed this, many ladies saw a ray of light, the faintest beginnings of a way forward and thus the massive turnout at the KICC. The ladies led the way in seeking guidance though the guide may have had questionable motives.
They were the real heroines of Kenya. There is nothing wrong about being desperate to get married just as there is nothing wrong about not being desperate to get married. It is the only ideology outside of the neo liberal come-we-stays or other forms of transient partnerships that do not have a legal or spiritual foundation. We know where we run to when the imperative of adding to humanity calls. Many Kenyans are born outside the institution but I think most people would like to carry on within some sort of structure. Perhaps, if men had trooped to KICC in such impressive numbers, then it would have been mind boggling or even revolutionary as someone put it.
It is the beginnings of clear ideology as pertaining to matters matrimonial. We have ultra conservatives who subscribe to the old school. The way our forefathers did it, with women barefoot and pregnant, usually. This runs through the entire spectrum to ultra liberals many of whom are no better at pushing the boundaries of decorum. I think we are simply confused by the emergent paradigm shift and are struggling to cope with the idea that things will never be the same again.
We are generally into our sisters but they will not give us a break. Where they earn more than their men, they develop an affliction our Tanzanian brothers call kivimba kichwa. Just let men be instead of also trying to wear trousers. The key is to let men believe that they are more equal so your trousers will be invisible. This is not to be antagonistic and in any way demean the achievements of women have but rather as part of a give and take compromise. Of course men also have to climb down and go easy on the chauvinism. We are the products of our society, with our own peculiar worldview, aided and abetted by all manner of foreign influences – cosmopolitan, Mexican soaps. So why should “desperate women” be the butt of jokes while the Kenyan society or polity is desperate – we are desperate to get rich, desperate to get to our destinations, desperate for governorships ad nauseum? In other words, we have become the short cut society.
All most Kenyans yearn for I believe is stability and a decent shot at marriage that is based on give and take as well as a reasonable expectation to respect and emotionally bond with someone. Money should not be end all but something you both work to create and enjoy together. Mutual respect is the key. Love and money follow. I am wont to believe that the majority of Kenyans have not dumped the institution but rather are seeking to find some sort of accommodation within the changing institution. The idea is noble but execution is poor as many of us who enter the institution haven’t the faintest clue the sacrifice it entails. We want to have our cake and eat it too.
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